It has been so refreshing to reconnect
with the blogging world now that our internet is working (well kind
of) again.
Over the past month or so there has
been a myriad of things that I have been thinking through. I would
love to be able to sort it all out and make sense of it in one tidy
little post but I am not sure that is possible. Many things that I
have been musing on are much too raw yet for all of the internet to
be able to peer into. I am sure with more time I will have
perspective enough to sort things out better, but each day has to be
lived, hour and minute spent to gain this time and perspective.
The little that I do understand is that
I am quite a mess. I don't like to admit this or let anyone see this.
I know many of my weaknesses and I have gotten good at hiding them,
but sometimes God allows things to happen to expose your weaknesses.
It is dangerous to ask God to teach you about humility, cause He
usually answers you with a “Yes, I already had some lessons in
mind. If you are ready let's get started.” It is a good thing to
desire your pride to be rooted out, but oh my it can be painful.
I am quite a perfectionist. Not in the
typical, perfectly-clean-house, alphabetized-spice-rack,
immaculate-closets sort of perfection, but in a
I-want-to-seem-like-a-Godly-sweet-Christian-girl-with-all-the-answers
sort of perfection. Growing up going to all of the youth group
events, helping Mom run VBS, reading the entire bible through before
I was out of high school, going on countless mission trips, and
pretty much having all the right “church” answers has left me
with a unique little construct for forge my “perfection” on.
Somehow I thought I knew all the answers and therefore I could easily
guess what God wanted for me life. DANGER! Even when God speaks to us
we should NEVER assume that we know exactly what He means. Usually
when God speaks He usually leaves some details blank for us to trust
Him with. Don't fill in those blanks yourself, even if you are a
“good-Christian-girl” who knows all the right answers to the
bible quiz. I tried filling in those blanks myself once and got my
heart broken. I tried again and broke someone else's heart. And
again, as it has before, my “perfection” has come crashing down
and this time exposing my weaknesses to the world (at least that is
how I feel).
Isaiah 55:9 “For as the heavens are
higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my
thoughts higher than your thoughts.”
As I start over, I want to try and
rebuild my perfection not on my faulty understanding, but on the
Lord's perfection. It says in Matthew 5:48 “...be perfect, as your
Father in heaven is perfect.” and it goes on in chapter 6 saying
“beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in
order to be seen by them”. Perfection is not a bad thing to desire,
but this perfection we are called to is not one judged by others. It
is judged only by the Lord. It is a perfection of the heart. It is a
perfection we are gifted by the blood of Jesus and the grace that
flows from the cross, not a perfection that we can earn by knowing
the all the right answers or by making people like us.
The more days I live the more I realize
I do not know anything. I have realized that I will never know all
the answers to life, and that I will only begin to know some of them
by living life, making messes, and running to the arms of Jesus.
Sarah Young says it beautifully in her devotional, Jesus Calling,
“Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your
energy in to seeking Me: the Perfect One.” (January 26th).
All I know is that I am a
people-pleasing mess. All I know is that I need more Jesus.
I remember sitting around the cafeteria as a sophomore talking to two Bible-college graduating seniors. I'd just gotten out of a class that had overwhelmed me with its talk of living out the Gospel in front of people who may not have the chance to see another one. "I know nothing!" I ranted to them both. "I am far too imperfect for this job!"
ReplyDeleteThey smiled, nodded, and said, "Yep, she seems about ready to graduate."
They'd both come to the realization that the best knowledge to have was how little we know and how much we need Jesus.
I think they were right.
No matter how much you learn or experience, no matter how many "big things" you pull off in life - may you never loose the blessed desperateness of knowing that without Christ we are hopeless disasters.