Longing for the Spring of His Kingdom

The cold branches of winter seem to be grasping at my heart, with all their sad stories, frigid days, and hopeless nights.

Over the past few months, maybe few years, my life has intercepted with so many stories that bring tears to my eyes that I feel like the sadness on my face has become permanent.

Stories of
rape (God, so much rape)
cancer
broken families
depression
abused children
stubborn despair-causing bureaucracy
terminal illness
gripping worry
car accidents
sudden death of beloved pets
lies (so many lies)
abandoned children
limbs amputated
failed relationships
trafficked women, men, children,

lives broken, hearts bruised, hope gone.

Lord, where is your Kingdom coming? Where!?! Cause I don't see it.

The cold winter closes in on my heart. I forget what the trees look like adorned with buds and leaves. The grey sky above becomes a constant, if not in reality then in my countenance.

Can anyone, can anything stop the changing of the seasons? Spring has to come. It just has to.

Hold on heart until it does.

Through the tears and sadness I have to cling to the truth that I will see His goodness in the land of the living and that one day, though it seems far off, one day He will make all things right. 

How do I make it through the winter of this world to the spring of His kingdom?

Trust. 

Thankfulness.

Remembering who our God is and how redemption is His particular specialty.

"For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning to Me and resting in Me you shall be saved; in quietness and in trusting confidence shall be your strength..." (Isaiah 30:15, Amplified) 

Stumbling across this scripture for the hundredth time the Lord whispers to my heart, "Return to me. Rest in me. Quiet yourself and trust confidently in me and I will make things right. I will because I AM."  

All these stories, sad sad stories... some of them have already begun to sprout life... some are heading into a darker season before they can hope for light. But I have to remind myself that all life comes from seeds that first have to die. Death is not the end. Sometimes it is the beginning.

This is not the end
This is not the end of this
We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last
This is not our last breath
We will open our mouths wide, wider

And you know you’ll be alright
Oh and you know you’ll be alright

This is not the end
This is not the end of us
We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

 Lyrics to "This is Not the End" by Gungor

The Beginning of Something New

A few moths ago I didn't think it would have been possible. This month has been such a good reminder that nothing is impossible.

Last Saturday I rode down the mountain in the rain, sitting with my mother next to me in the taxi. I was dropping her at the airport after she spent four weeks with me here in India. It was a dreary day with threats of thunderstorms and landslides but by God's grace they ended up only being empty threats. This ride began Mom's 24+ hours of travel home, and began my last two and a half months in India.

When I came home in 2011 from two months in Delhi working at Asha House, Mom told me "next time I am coming too." I knew that she is a woman of her word, but I also knew that God often changes our plans, so I tried not to hope too much. When I heard in February that she wasn't going to be able to come, I was disappointed but not crushed. After just a few weeks (and a dark lonely time for me) things changed.

She originally thought she couldn't come because the family needed her too much at home. It is true that they do need her, but half of them are Boy Scouts and more than half of them are adults, so with their scouting skills and life experience combined they decided to make it work. Mom made the decision to come, got her passport, visa, plane ticket, and came in less than two months.

Some of Mom's time here was spent sight-seeing (it is nice to have had an excuse to go visit places I haven't seen yet and places I wanted to see again):

Sweet Ladies we met on the Train to Jaipur

Amber Fort- Jaipur

Mom's first monkey sighting- Jaipur

Juntar Muntar - Jaipur - ancient sundial -those Moghals were pretty brilliant

Fresh lime soda and Aloo Papadi Chat at the City Palace Cafe

This guy serenaded us over lunch - now that was an awesome mustache , but I am not sure what kind of instrument

Took a short trip to Tea Town- Darjeeling

Happy Valley Tea Estate

We got to see where they sort and process the tea. There was a green floral delicious smell that permeated the whole building.

View of Darjeeling from Happy Valley T.E.

Breakfast at Keventer's. Sausage and bacon, more meat than I have seen in months.

A stop at cozy Glenary's before we went home. Tea, quiche, tarts, and a rainy day.  

Darjeeling clock tower and a break in the clouds.

Cactus Nursery in Kalimpong - who knew there are so many species 

We dashed up to Delo Hill (the highest point in Kalimpong) on the ONLY clear day to try and catch a glimpse of  Kunchenjunga. We caught just a sliver before it hit behind the clouds again. Anyways it was a beautiful day. 

Walking Trail on Delo Hill 

Dr. Graham's Homes Church build in 1920. We wandered through Dr. Graham's Homes property on the way back from Delo. 

Dr. Graham's Homes - Boarding school founded in 1900 by Scottish missionaries for abandoned children   

Some of her time here was spent meeting my wonderful friends and encouraging them (she had seasoned homeschooling advice for me as well as the other homeschooling moms):

We spent six days at Asha House. Mom got out of the taxi when we first arrived knowing at least half of everyone's names from pictures. 

Mom with my Asha girlies- what a beautiful thing

 Making hats with friends on Jeewan Loy's Birthday

Silly Friends and Bhim Uncle

Surrounded by friends, love, and yummy treats.

Our friends from Germany treated us to barbecue chicken. They made their barbecue from a metal box and a grate... brilliant.  

Some of her time was spent doctoring me and being substitute teacher (I was quite sick for more than a week with bronchitis or something like it):

Sorry didn't take any picture of me sick in bed. This one will have to do. 

Beef Thukpa- just what the doctor ordered

Mom read "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" to the kids. Once I was better we has a "Mr. Tumnus" Tea Party including Queen Cakes.

What a pretty spread. Jeewan enjoyed the tea party, but didn't quite get the idea of using manners. Manju loved it and kept saying that this was "the best day ever."

Most of her time was spent encouraging me like only a mother can. Just a hug from the woman who knows you best can work wonders for a weary soul.

Our time together seemed like the beginning of a new era in our relationship. Mom who always knows what to do and always has a ready plan was now in new territory, a place where I had more experience and understanding than she did. Though she is a 'planner' Mom is also flexible, so this new dynamic did not set her at ill ease. Instead she thrived off of the adventure of this new country and fresh season in our relationship. Sometimes you just know when your life has hit a turning point. I think this past month was that for both Mom and me.

I am excited to see what new things the Lord has in store for us: for me as I spend another few months here, and then transition back to the states, and for Mom as she goes home and learns to integrate the things she learned here into her life at home. As I make my transition back to the states it is going to be invaluable to have someone back "home" who has gotten a glimpse of my life here.

weakness and perfection

It has been so refreshing to reconnect with the blogging world now that our internet is working (well kind of) again.

Over the past month or so there has been a myriad of things that I have been thinking through. I would love to be able to sort it all out and make sense of it in one tidy little post but I am not sure that is possible. Many things that I have been musing on are much too raw yet for all of the internet to be able to peer into. I am sure with more time I will have perspective enough to sort things out better, but each day has to be lived, hour and minute spent to gain this time and perspective.

The little that I do understand is that I am quite a mess. I don't like to admit this or let anyone see this. I know many of my weaknesses and I have gotten good at hiding them, but sometimes God allows things to happen to expose your weaknesses. It is dangerous to ask God to teach you about humility, cause He usually answers you with a “Yes, I already had some lessons in mind. If you are ready let's get started.” It is a good thing to desire your pride to be rooted out, but oh my it can be painful.

I am quite a perfectionist. Not in the typical, perfectly-clean-house, alphabetized-spice-rack, immaculate-closets sort of perfection, but in a I-want-to-seem-like-a-Godly-sweet-Christian-girl-with-all-the-answers sort of perfection. Growing up going to all of the youth group events, helping Mom run VBS, reading the entire bible through before I was out of high school, going on countless mission trips, and pretty much having all the right “church” answers has left me with a unique little construct for forge my “perfection” on. Somehow I thought I knew all the answers and therefore I could easily guess what God wanted for me life. DANGER! Even when God speaks to us we should NEVER assume that we know exactly what He means. Usually when God speaks He usually leaves some details blank for us to trust Him with. Don't fill in those blanks yourself, even if you are a “good-Christian-girl” who knows all the right answers to the bible quiz. I tried filling in those blanks myself once and got my heart broken. I tried again and broke someone else's heart. And again, as it has before, my “perfection” has come crashing down and this time exposing my weaknesses to the world (at least that is how I feel).

Isaiah 55:9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

As I start over, I want to try and rebuild my perfection not on my faulty understanding, but on the Lord's perfection. It says in Matthew 5:48 “...be perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.” and it goes on in chapter 6 saying “beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them”. Perfection is not a bad thing to desire, but this perfection we are called to is not one judged by others. It is judged only by the Lord. It is a perfection of the heart. It is a perfection we are gifted by the blood of Jesus and the grace that flows from the cross, not a perfection that we can earn by knowing the all the right answers or by making people like us.

The more days I live the more I realize I do not know anything. I have realized that I will never know all the answers to life, and that I will only begin to know some of them by living life, making messes, and running to the arms of Jesus. Sarah Young says it beautifully in her devotional, Jesus Calling, “Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy in to seeking Me: the Perfect One.” (January 26^th).

All I know is that I am a people-pleasing mess. All I know is that I need more Jesus.

Hey there....

I have been gone from this blogging scene for a while. I have missed you all. Hope you have missed me too.

Since October when I got home from my second trip to India I have been developing the social media for Back To The Roots, the backing organization for Asha House. It has been wonderful to blog about what I love and discover new social media avenues, but that has made me not want to blog personally since blogging has become my job. Who wants to spend their entire life blogging?

It has been growing on me. This feeling that I need to write, that I need to pick up blogging for myself again.
Well here I am.
I am back.

So what is God speaking to me about?

I spent quite some time this morning lamenting to him about all of my issues and problems, weaknesses and frustrations. The things that are pressing on my mind and spirit. His response to all my uncertainties and worries was this:

I want you to love me and to be loved by me. 

So simple. Almost too simple.

It is so easy to believe that I have to do things to win the Lord's love, or that I have to prove my love for him.

So powerful. Almost too powerful.

As we grasp the unconditional Love of the Abba Daddy, our response is immediately to love. We become love machines.

Satan does not like that. He wants to keep us trapped in our futile thinking that we need to meet God's and other people's exceptions. That we need to be "good little Christians." That we have to always be in fear that we might say or do the wrong thing.

The amazing truth is that we can never chase away the Love of God, nor can we screw-up the Lord's plans. He is chasing us with his sweet love and always working things together for the good of those who love him.  We cannot stop him or his love. It is impossible and prideful to think we can mess up God's plans.

The honest truth is that I have known this beautiful truth for quite some time. I have learned to dance and rejoice in it. I have learned to find freedom in it. The other honest truth is that is is so easy to get caught up in life and wander away from the rest I have found in the arms of love. Today I am learning to return... "to know and rely on the love God has for us." (1 John 4:16)