Something is coming...

Something new is on the breeze, and I can smell it coming...

Maybe it is pumpkin spice coffee,
Or maybe it is home food made by my momma,
It could be those wet, earthy, fall smells wafting from the forest
But it is probably something more than that.

For a while I have been hearing that the Lord is wanting to do something new in my life. At first I didn't quite know what to expect. Excitement has been building, slowly, but coming on stronger now. New and different things are not always easily welcomed. Sometimes we have grown comfortable with the old and cozy things, and don't want to shed them because it is not always certain if the new things are quite to our liking. But what I know of the Lord is that he only brings good things (sometimes really hard things, but always good). I often confuse comfortable and good. They are not the same. The Lord has been whispering on the autumnal breeze, "Give up the sad tired things you are holding on to so you can have your hands open to the glorious things I have in store for you. Don't worry, my dear, the new is better. The new is better."

So that is what I am going to practice.
I am giving up and letting go, to make room, room for my Savior, and what he has for me.

A part of this is going on a social media break for the month of October. It has already been hard. There are so many times a day where I want to tell the Facebook world about what I am doing or show the Instagramers a picture of my life through a cool insta-filter. I am taking a break because I feel that for me social media has become a distraction. I spend so much empty time scrolling through snippets of everyone else's life when there are much more meaningful things I could be doing... like blogging.

I am anticipating this season to be creatively stirring, and I really hope to make blogging more of a habit, even just for my sanity. Writing is cathartic and therapeutic. I need to make more space for it in my life, and that is what I am doing.

So with all that said, I hope that you pull up my blog more often and join me with some delicious mug full of steaming goodness, as I try to experience life at a different pace this October, letting go of the old and stepping into each new day with expectancy.

weakness and perfection

It has been so refreshing to reconnect with the blogging world now that our internet is working (well kind of) again.

Over the past month or so there has been a myriad of things that I have been thinking through. I would love to be able to sort it all out and make sense of it in one tidy little post but I am not sure that is possible. Many things that I have been musing on are much too raw yet for all of the internet to be able to peer into. I am sure with more time I will have perspective enough to sort things out better, but each day has to be lived, hour and minute spent to gain this time and perspective.

The little that I do understand is that I am quite a mess. I don't like to admit this or let anyone see this. I know many of my weaknesses and I have gotten good at hiding them, but sometimes God allows things to happen to expose your weaknesses. It is dangerous to ask God to teach you about humility, cause He usually answers you with a “Yes, I already had some lessons in mind. If you are ready let's get started.” It is a good thing to desire your pride to be rooted out, but oh my it can be painful.

I am quite a perfectionist. Not in the typical, perfectly-clean-house, alphabetized-spice-rack, immaculate-closets sort of perfection, but in a I-want-to-seem-like-a-Godly-sweet-Christian-girl-with-all-the-answers sort of perfection. Growing up going to all of the youth group events, helping Mom run VBS, reading the entire bible through before I was out of high school, going on countless mission trips, and pretty much having all the right “church” answers has left me with a unique little construct for forge my “perfection” on. Somehow I thought I knew all the answers and therefore I could easily guess what God wanted for me life. DANGER! Even when God speaks to us we should NEVER assume that we know exactly what He means. Usually when God speaks He usually leaves some details blank for us to trust Him with. Don't fill in those blanks yourself, even if you are a “good-Christian-girl” who knows all the right answers to the bible quiz. I tried filling in those blanks myself once and got my heart broken. I tried again and broke someone else's heart. And again, as it has before, my “perfection” has come crashing down and this time exposing my weaknesses to the world (at least that is how I feel).

Isaiah 55:9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

As I start over, I want to try and rebuild my perfection not on my faulty understanding, but on the Lord's perfection. It says in Matthew 5:48 “...be perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.” and it goes on in chapter 6 saying “beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them”. Perfection is not a bad thing to desire, but this perfection we are called to is not one judged by others. It is judged only by the Lord. It is a perfection of the heart. It is a perfection we are gifted by the blood of Jesus and the grace that flows from the cross, not a perfection that we can earn by knowing the all the right answers or by making people like us.

The more days I live the more I realize I do not know anything. I have realized that I will never know all the answers to life, and that I will only begin to know some of them by living life, making messes, and running to the arms of Jesus. Sarah Young says it beautifully in her devotional, Jesus Calling, “Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy in to seeking Me: the Perfect One.” (January 26^th).

All I know is that I am a people-pleasing mess. All I know is that I need more Jesus.

Reminiscing

Thinking over the past year there have been so many wonderful things that the Lord has done!

First of all the Lord has been so faithful to provide for all of my needs through so many different ways. It has been so amazing to see his faithfulness over and over again.

A little over a year ago I came back from spending two months at Asha House and jumped into working with Back To The Roots. I got to see Asha House move to a new location last December, which I got to see with my own eyes when I came to visit in September. They have SO much more room inside and a huge yard to play in!

New Asha House

Over the past year three babies (Leah, Ashish, and Akash) were born, and three new children (Harsh, Milent, and Rekha) joined the Asha Family. Also just a few months ago we found out that Simini, who has not been able to get pregnant for the past eight years, is now expecting!!!!

Baby Ashish - his name means "blessing"

New sewing machines and a generator were purchased because of the generosity of amazing people. The sewing machines enable the older girls to learn tailoring, which is a trade they can work in after the finish school. The generator ensures that Asha House can get power when there are power outages. This is particularly important during the summer to keep the fans working to keep the babies from overheating.

New Sewing Machine

This year Jyoti was able to go to school for the first time. Her medical condition has gotten much better, but there is still scarring in her brain. Keep praying for her healing.

Jyoti is going to school and loosing teeth 

During the spring and summer I got to nanny for Christy and her son Gui-Gui. Christy brought Gui-Gui home from China after adopting him when he was 18mths old. Now he is a precocious 5 year old who is still learning Chinese, likes to ride his bike, and hunt for dragons and insects. My days with this little guy were filled with so much light and fun.

I also got to visit with my friend Jessica Paulraj, her husband Raja, and their sweet son Adam this summer. They were in NC from India to facilitate surgeries for baby Adam who was born with many birth defects. Jessica and Adam adopted Adam soon after he was born and abandoned. His precocious life is such a testimony of grace, hope, and love. Visit Jessica's Blog to learn more about Adam's story.

In September I got to bring five ladies (Tiffany, Chrissy, Phadrea, Julia, and Lauren) with me to see my Asha Family. We also got to go up to Uttarkashi and work at a school there with Jules and Arpan Mani. This was quite an experience to be able to facilitate all of us six ladies getting around India. Each one of these ladies had such a precious heart to serve the people of India. It was such an honor to travel and serve with them.

The ladies and I at the HIM head office in Mussorie

Fun Time at Asha House

Little Mathematicians in the Making 

Now since October I have been in Kalimpong. I am teaching Manju and Jeewan Loy in the mornings (btw Jeewan Loy is now reading!) and taking Nepali lessons in the afternoons. I have been so blessed with so many friends and good people around me. There are quite a number of foreign families living near by with whom we share life with and who enrich the everyday. 

Learning Nepali Alphabet
 "ka" "kah" "ga" "gah" "unga"

Manju at her desk

Jeewan Loy telling me about the picture he drew of baby Jesus

Reminiscing on the good things the Lord has brought to my life this year I have noticed the theme of adoption. So many children who have been adopted, chosen into their families, have touched my life over this past year. It gets me thinking about how God has chosen and adopted me. It is so humbling and wonderful to remember that I was just a hopeless mess before God chose me. God picked me up out of my mess and choose to make me something beautiful. He know exactly who He made me to be and is teaching me like a father to listen to Him, trust Him, and believe that He truly is working things together for my good. I am excited to see what God has for this year ahead, and how God might continue to weave this thread of adoption through my journey here on earth. 

Mountains and Sunlight

In the land of butterflies...

I have been here in Kalimpong for 30+ days and in India for 60+ days and I am so sorry that there has not been an update before this. I am not going to make any grand promises that I will blog everyday for the next 8 months to make up for it, but I do intend to keep you all better updated from here on out...

view of Kalimpong from our terrace 

One month ago I reached Kalimpong, West Bengal, India, after quite a few days of travel. The family I am staying with here had to make an emergency trip to Kolkata to visit the adoption agency that is working on the adoption paperwork for the two kids. Jeewan Loy (5) and Manju (10) have lived with Lindy for quite some time; Jeewan Loy since birth and Manju since she was 3 years old. Three years ago Lindy began the process to legally adopt her two kids, but as with most things in India it took much longer than anticipated. So after Lindy picked me up from the airport we took an overnight train to Kolkata, spent a day in Kolkata and took and "overnight" train back. The train back was suppose to just be 10 hours, but that turned into 20 hours. Two more hours in a taxi and we were finally all home in Kalimpong.

Manju, Jeewan Loy, and Burtrum (my travel companion elephant) 

The house here is so beautiful. It is on a really nice compound with a garden. It was actually built as the retirement home of the principle of the Christian school below. Lindy has rented it for quite some from the principle. For a while she used it as a pregnancy home for troubled girls. Parts of it has also been rented out to other foreign workers. This summer Lindy and her kids moved from living in just one of the rooms, to living in the upper flat. A Finnish family lives downstairs in the bottom flat. The rooms in the house are so much bigger and nicer than I was expecting. Because they are now upstairs Lindy was able to give me my own room and a separate schoolroom. It is quite a luxury to have my own room and bathroom.

Schoolroom

I came to live with Lindy for 9 months to homeschool Manju and Jeewan Loy. Manju is in 5th grade and Jeewan Loy is in Kindergarden. Lindy is hoping to be able to take her children to the US after their adoption is finalized. It is my job to bring them up to speed with the American school system. The schoolroom they prepared for me is wonderful and spacious. They painted it a nice light sunny yellow color. We each have our own desk, and there is a white board, a bookshelf, and even a little tent to read in.

Red and brown furry caterpillar

Right now we are doing a study on insects. I decided to take advantage of all of the specimen readily available. There is alway some sort of interesting insect that has found its way inside the house. We don't even have to go outside to hunt bugs! Now every time anyone finds an insect I hear "MISS SARAH.... COME LOOK!" "Can we keep it?" We have caught a slug, a caterpillar, a ladybug, praying mantises, a dead wasp, and countless butterflies. I don't think I have ever seen this many butterflies in my life. They are always fluttering around the marigold or just floating in the breeze. They even find their way inside through the open windows. In the afternoons, or any other time Jeewan Loy can find to go outside, he is always hunting butterflies.

Dead Wasp

4 inch long slug

Pictures and words cannot quite articulate how beautiful this area is. There are not only butterflies everywhere, but there are flowers at every turn. Walking down to the bazaar through crowded streets and down smelly allies you can still be surprised by some green thing or flower that has found a little crevice to happily grow in. It is quite magical.

Manju, marigold, and butterfly

Your Normal is Not Really Normal

I think I am going through pre-culture shock.

There is something rising up in me that is saying "your normal is not really the goal. I am setting before you a new goal." 

I hate admitting this but there is something deep inside of me that expects and craves the American version of "normal:"
the sweet pretty wedding with all the family and friends there celebrating (and gifting),
the husband who goes off to work five days a week,
weekends,
house full of kids with beds, toys, and cute clothes enough for all,
a place to craft and somewhere to buy supplies,
grocery stores down the street,
Super-Target,
a vehicle to take the family places,
the library,
instagram,
internet everywhere,
coffee every morning,
an oven to bake things in,
a couch in the living room,
carpet on the floor,
air-conditioning in the summer,
heat in the winter,
fall leaves,
spring flowers,
closest family and friends within 3000 miles.....
this might all be just a dream that I have to let go.

India is tugging at my heart. The Lord is calling my name.
It is impossible to say "no."

In September I am going to India. I will stay nine months (well that is the plan so far). This time I will not just be visiting: playing with the kids at Asha House, drinking tea with lepers, buying some pretty stuff, and leaving. This time I am going to have to set down some roots, continuing the journey of learning how to live in India.

There are many unknowns about what the next year holds for me. I know that I cannot approach them with fear but with faith, trusting that God really truly knows what I need better than I think I do, trusting that his way will lead to his glory and my good.

But this process is still a tearing. Tearing down the old "normal" replacing it with the Kingdom normal. Tearing down my expectations and replacing them with Kingdom expectations.

Oh but I am so selfish and full of pride. It is not easy. In fact it is really convenient to believe the lie that tells me that I will loose my true self in this process. But it is just a lie. The amazing truth is that I am finding my true self in giving myself over to The Lover of My Soul. The Author of Life, The Older (and so much wiser) Brother over All Creation.

I am going to India nothing can stop me. I am always going to say "yes!" to God no matter the cost, even if the cost is a little heartache.

Hey there....

I have been gone from this blogging scene for a while. I have missed you all. Hope you have missed me too.

Since October when I got home from my second trip to India I have been developing the social media for Back To The Roots, the backing organization for Asha House. It has been wonderful to blog about what I love and discover new social media avenues, but that has made me not want to blog personally since blogging has become my job. Who wants to spend their entire life blogging?

It has been growing on me. This feeling that I need to write, that I need to pick up blogging for myself again.
Well here I am.
I am back.

So what is God speaking to me about?

I spent quite some time this morning lamenting to him about all of my issues and problems, weaknesses and frustrations. The things that are pressing on my mind and spirit. His response to all my uncertainties and worries was this:

I want you to love me and to be loved by me. 

So simple. Almost too simple.

It is so easy to believe that I have to do things to win the Lord's love, or that I have to prove my love for him.

So powerful. Almost too powerful.

As we grasp the unconditional Love of the Abba Daddy, our response is immediately to love. We become love machines.

Satan does not like that. He wants to keep us trapped in our futile thinking that we need to meet God's and other people's exceptions. That we need to be "good little Christians." That we have to always be in fear that we might say or do the wrong thing.

The amazing truth is that we can never chase away the Love of God, nor can we screw-up the Lord's plans. He is chasing us with his sweet love and always working things together for the good of those who love him.  We cannot stop him or his love. It is impossible and prideful to think we can mess up God's plans.

The honest truth is that I have known this beautiful truth for quite some time. I have learned to dance and rejoice in it. I have learned to find freedom in it. The other honest truth is that is is so easy to get caught up in life and wander away from the rest I have found in the arms of love. Today I am learning to return... "to know and rely on the love God has for us." (1 John 4:16)

Why India?

So the answer to the question above begins the summer of 2005.

I was at a summer camp in Florida. It was the summer between high school and college and I was seeking God for direction. I was already planning on attending Winthrop University in the fall and had already declared an English major, but I was still unsure if this was really where God wanted me.

During one of the worship sessions I heard God tell me clear as day, "go to India," as simple as that. My reaction to that was, "ok God, that's cool, but you have to make that happen."

I did not feel like I should hop on a plane any time soon, but that I should wait on God to pull things together. After four years of waiting and praying he did that very thing. At one point he told me, "go for three months," then he told me, "after you graduate," and finally, "go with an organization." This organization ended up being Adventures In Missions and they happened to be assembling a three month trip to New Delhi, India a month after the lease on my appartment at school was up.

This was the beginning of God teaching me a great deal about how very good He is.